THE VENDOR'S VIEW. Vol 1. No. 4.

What Wonderful Thingz Folkz Zay ... "It never fails to amaze me what people say or ask of me as a Big Issue vendor ..."
:: One guy recently came up to me at my Big Issue pitch and said - "Why don't you get a real job?" I answered him ... "If you've got one for me I'll take it, right now, my dear siiiiir!!" And so off the idiot went with his bushy tail between his two hyena legs ... So never be fazed as a vendor and always try to be ready for the unexpected and sometimes even the truly bizarre ... :: "I'm trying to find the Queen," asked the eccentric with his fly WIDE open. Pardon me? He repeated himself. I then jokingly said: "Well she's a personal friend of mine, so can I help yooooooou? "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," he spewed like a potbelly pig and rushed off towards Bow Street ... That was, thankfully, the last I saw of him. :: "Good morning, I would very much like two copies of your Big Issue," stated the buxom lassie. She then pulled out a £50 banknote to buy her two copies. "Sorry, my dear, but I cannot change a fifty ..." She takes a horrified look on her face and said to me: "It's terribly inconvenient for me to have to go and get change." We're standing right outside of Caffe Nero and so I suggested she go inside and change the fifty quid note. She took a big gulp of polluted air and then she turned on me like some sort of Leona Hemsley, the once American "Queen of Mean," who also left $6 Million to her beloved dog! "Aren't you in the business of selling magazines, young man?," said she, contemptuously and loudly to me. "Most certainly I am," I said, "So how many copies would you then like from me, my dear?" ... Now like a big arse banshee on the loose, she squelled ... "Oh! And you're cheeky, too!!." She then angrily crumpled up her crisp, brand-spanking, new 50 quid note and turned on her high heels like she was doing a misplaced pirouette at the Royal Ballet School. She rushed off along Long Acre and turned around twice to give me her dirty looks and to make daggers at me with her puffy face now boiling hot red ... and her piggy eyes bigger than her big banshee gob! I was glad to see the back of her, wouldn't you be, too? :: "You should be ashamed of yourself for writing the drivel you do," said one critic of my writing. "Well, I'd say you should be ashamed of yourself for reading the drivel I've written." So ended our critical and literary repartee!! Other than that, I've now seen more weirdos, freaks, and crackpots in London than in New York or San Francisco ... or anywhere else. :: Folkz from everywhere always ask vendors for street directions. That's fine. But when a foreign worker from Eastern Europe wanted to know how to get to London, I became almost nonplus on the spot. I laughingly told him he was already in LONDON!! "Me no understand," he sputtered. I told him curtly, "Neither do I ..." :: Do you have a name? No, I just have a number! So, no name but just a number? Yes, no name but just a number. What is that? My badge number is 236. Is that your rank at Big Issue? No, it's my bank not my rank! What is your bank, but not your rank? My imaginary bank account number 236 with eight zeroes making my number 23600000000. That's very long-winded, wouldn't you say? Yes, I would, it just like you ... you long-winded bugger ... :: She was gorgeous! I mean gorgeous!! She stood at my pitch for awhile and wanted to know all about The Big Issue - its whys, ways, and wherefores. I tried to give her a brief overview and she listened intensely. I then asked her what kind of career she'd had thus far, before she'd recently become homeless. She looked at me blank in the face and then slowly opened her sexy legs and declared "her bag" was doing nude photography and "soft porno for ladz' magazines." What? "You must be joking?," I said to her both with intrigue and disbelief ... Yet also with a pinch of disgust. Pornography of any kind is a scourge on our society just like those vicious British gun-toteing and violent kidz, binge drinking, dope pushers, unprotected sex, and predatory traffic wardens ... She almost bit her own tongue while she also now seemed at a loss for what next to say to me ... I think she was looking for a rich sugar daddy ... which obviously wasn't me! Nor would I want to be ... However, I couldn't help mistake seeing her again as she jumped into a swanky red car with a dark male or two near Aldwych some days later when I was walking there to catch my bus No. 1. Who knows now where she is? And, who cares? Who cares that nobody cares? Nobody! :: My name is Henry! What's your name? My name is Monty. My dad's name is Jim. What's your dad's name? He's dead. Mine is also. My mom's name is Minnie. What's your mom's name? She's dead. Mine is also. My sister's name is Mildred. What's your sister's name? She's dead. Mine is also. My brother's name is Timothy. What's your brother's name? He's dead, too. Mine is, too. So let me ask you a simple question: "When are you planning on dropping dead?" Latest News: My two-day visit to Oxford last week >>See below my story "Oxford Now On My Mine"<<>
:: Let Me Say Thank You To One & All of The Following ::
It's time again to express my many thankz to more of those wonderful folkz and friends who have helped me out by their personal care and generosity ... Here are a few more names! Jill Ferguson is a prime example of a kind and educated lady who has befriended me and we have enjoyed each other's company, too. We've been out together and had a jolly time bantering between us and talking tittle-tattle about my beloved Contessa ... A former Scotland Yard operative, whose name I cannot reveal, is among those who has taken the time and interest to help me when I needed furniture and bedding for my then new sheltered housing ... thank you, my friend!! Now I want to point out Attorney Jackie McDowell, who commutes to Long Acre once or so a week and she always brings me my favourite bakewell tart from Wing's and hot chocolate! Thankz a million, Jackie! Another person by the name of Jan Mol of the Netherlands - who I call "Mr. Ambassador" or "Mr. Netherlands" - has done for me what even the best social services couldn't or wouldn't do. He's shared his wisdom, compassion, and gifts with me that even my own compatriots could or would not hardly emulate or freely give to me ... on the streets of London. Thousands go by every day and don't ever give a penny even at Christmastide, let alone say a kind word all year long ... It takes a gentleman like Jan Mol to restore my faith in the best of humankind ... And, if "Mr. Ambassador" is such a fine example, then my American friend - a noted US financier - Joe Smallman of Knoxville, Tennessee, is definitely one, too. Everybody loves Joe, just like me. Kudos, "Mr. Joe" and hope to see you again on your way back from America!! And whenever I see her, I know Sion Turner will bring cheery news despite her long personal battle with breast cancer. We pray Sion will be all right. Her kindness to me as an administrator at King's College Law School speaks beautiful volumes. Juliet Scrachen is high on my list of good people, too. She and her lovely daughter Megan never come by my pitch without smiles written all over their happy faces. My love to them!! At one time he made world news and today he lives quietly at Somerset far from the media spotlight to which he was so accustomed to. But he now shy's away from such. He was very surprised that I knew who he was despite his concerted attempts at anonymity ... He never realised that I always read the American press ... In any event, I can say he's given me a number of old English coins -- a few dating back to 975-1066 of the late Anglo-Saxon Period -- in the past year that he has thoughtfully brought with him to give to me after he discovered that, like him, I'm a serious collector of old and rare coins ... He gives me his duplicates! Thank you, my once famous friend! Then there is elderly Shelia Aarons of who I am especially fond of. She's been buying The Big Issue from me for ages! When she attended last year's "Commemoration Service for the Homeless Dead" - which is held annually at St. Martin-in-theFields that has just re-opened after millions have been spent to restore the Church to its rightful Anglican glory -- Shelia was quite moved by it all. What I like especially about Shelia is her open Yiddishness and our shared love and respect for each other's faith ... "Shalom," Dear Shelia!! How could I not forget Pat Carney and Ida Negri, who both work for Masonic Rite organizations at nearby Great Queen Street. Ida and Pat are of "the old school" and where vulgarity has no place with them. Each of those kind ladies have treated me royally with nice gifts. And yet another lawyer deserves my thankz. She's Agnes Bonnet, who is Head of European Policy. She says I have an honest face. That's true of you, Agnes, too!! Hard working is she and her warm words and helping hand I've seen most weeks for quite awhile now ... I'll have more good names on my list like Agnes' in the next issue of "The Vendor's View." This 4th issue is now published online and in hardcopy for Oct. 1-31, 2oo7. Please request your free hardcopy, if you'd like one. And, do enjoy!

+ THE 15th ANNUAL "COMMEMORATION SERVICE FOR THE HOMESLESS DEAD" WILL TAKE PLACE AT ST. MARTIN-IN-THE-FIELDS, AT 11.30AM, ON THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 8TH, 2OO7+ It is an interfaith service and all are welcome. The Homeless Street Opera will be present, too. They will sing for us all! Light refreshments will be served after the service. Please attend this annual service, if you can ... I will be there for this my third annual service ...