

Then Came Billie.Life With Big Issue Folkz.
By Uncle Monty.
Photos & Graphics By Alex Albion.
.@.
Every other word from out of Billie’s foul mouth was “fuck.”
Openly gay and lesbian, Billie even spent time with Gordon
Brown at No. 10, where she induced him to buy The Big
Issue that she has flogged on the city streets of London
as a badged Big Issue vendor for some years now.
.@.
Billie has also met Diana, Princess of Wales. She was on a
TV documentary series about homelessness, too. On top of
that, The Big Issue "big wigs" seem to think the world of
her. Billie is after all a great publicity prop for John Bird’s
money-making world of homelessness as the self-made
guru (and sometimes, "jackass") of The Big Issue.
.@.
So there I was today at the Big Issue's Covent Garden
distribution spot at where long-time distributor Sam
Woodlock seemed to be in a reclusive and bad mood
as she asked me mechanically what I wanted for
more copies of The Big Issue. She then wrote down
my badge No. 115 and my purchased number of
magz. She then further ignored me to delve back
into reading her copy of "The Sun" newspaper.
Sam had no time to speak to me beyond that.
.@.
Big Issue distributor Steve – or more correctly called
Stephen Farrell Wood (spelled with or without an hyphen
in his surname) - then served me. He’s becoming some-
thing of an unofficial resident poet, if you will, with
one of his latest pieces of poetry appearing again
in this week’s Festive Issue:
Tulse Hill SW2
By Stephen Farrell Woods
.
Sitting under a weeping willow
I do not pay for Apples
Ivy rampant adorns the walls
of my home.
I see faces in the leaves of
the trees.
Foxes parade up and down
Lanercost Rd, I
(and I suspect many more
Leave a little something under the
cover of dusk or darkness)
.
Squirrels do their squirrelly thing
in the back garden throughout
The autumn and winter months.
With 3 (or is it 4) canvasses
awaiting more, I go inside.
Inside I read, think, and with
a pondering reluctance paint.
.
Pages 48-49. Christmas 2009. No.
875. Nov. 30th-Dec. 6th, 2oo9.
.
No sooner had I almost finished with Steve and
Sam, then came Billie with her little black and white
dog. He's so intelligent and lovable he almost speak
does he. And like a Kansas tornado coming at you,
Billie is so hypo one could almost say the weather
drastically changes once she arrives on the scene.
She’s Hypo No. 1.
.@.
With her torrent of mouthy words laced with her
usual and unilateral conversation of “fuck” this
and “fuck” that,” Billie is far from bland like are
so many Big Issue vendors. She's got gusto and
determination that few of her fellow vendors can
compete with her. Billie is also becoming more of a
rarer breed thesedays of youngish female Big Issue
vendors seen selling on the callous streets of London.
Except, may I say, for the oldish and unpretty (dare
I say “ugly”) gypsies women selling The Big Issue at
London’s Kingsway, there seems to be fewer and
fewer sexy female Big Issue vendors on the
streets from what I can see.
.@.
Was He/She An Hermaphrodite Vendor?

.@.
While I was at the Big Issue’s Covent Garden
distribution spot, it was about as "unChristmas" as you
could get along with the disappointing front cover of this
week's Festive Issue with the five Nutty Boys, who are a
nutty selection for Christmas at the best of times. After
last week's sensational Bob Dylan interview and the front
cover of him that sold like hot cakes last week, the Nutty
Boys are about as bad as selection as you could get for a
so-called "Festive" issue. Next week, however, we have
George Michael making it back again, after he appeared
on the Christmas issue of two years ago, if I remember
correctly. George is usually a good seller for the Big
Issue vendors, but also especially profitable for The
Big Issue money makers who swim in big bucks and
plentiful Christmases at the expense of their poor and
under-rewarded street vendors. After George, we get
the Sir Paul McCarthy issue to round out vendor sales
at this Xmas season. Come New Year, everything then
tends to go dead for most of The Big Issue vendors. Plus,
it becomes colder and more wintery on the streets. That,
too, doesn't help and only compounds the problem of
poor sales and even poorer profit for the street vendors
all across the UK. So they need to make it during the
weeks climaxing in the celebration of the birth of Our
Lord Jesus. After that, they might as well go home,
but sadly all too many don't have that choice since
they are, of course, homeless no matter the seasons.
It's just too sad when you stop and think about it ...
.@.
After encountering hypo Billie, moody Sam, and poet
Steve, I then went back to my Big Issue pitch at Long
Acre with my extra purchase of 20 copies to sell to the
rather cold crowd that walked right on by and refused
to offer even the slightest smile or to utter a “Merry
Christmas” to me or to donate even a red cent. Of the
few that did, they were mainly those folkz who have
been customers-cum-friends of mine for almost 5
years now. It is those old customers for the most
part who make a vendor's Christmas come true.
Without them, the vendor can expect a bleak
Christmas at best and at worst a depressing
Yuletide ... And life with other Big Issue folkz
can also be grim for they themselves cannot al-
ways count on a good Christmas and, therefore,
they rarely give a damn for anybody else. In fact,
to witness modern Broken Britain is best seen from
the crude vantage point of the vendor on the street.
All that Christmas does, is to simply highlight and
exasperate all that is wrong and dreadful with multi-
cultural and multiracial England under vile New
Labour. Today's UK homeless are neither second
nor third class citizens, but rather fourth class un-
less, of course, they're anything but White English.
.@.
“Did you see, Monty, the new vendor outside at 90
(Long Acre)?,” I was suddenly asked by one of my
long-time customers as I settled into my usual pitch.
I then looked and saw a young fellow who I’d never
seen before with his green Big Issue badge dangling
on the back of his shoulder instead of on the front
of his jacket. I was none too pleased to see him.
.@.
Perhaps in his late 20’s with specs, I approached the
short Caucasian fellow with his high badge number of
5000 – yes, No. 5000 – and told him to stop badgering
the public into buying his copies of The Big Issue. I also
told him it was not a pitch at 90 and therefore it was
illegal for him to be standing there hawking his wares,
so to speak, at the huge office block of lawyers, business
people, diplomats, bankers, corporate personnel, and
noted stockbrokers, of which many I personally know
and who buy The Big Issue from me more
often than not.
.@.
He said he was told to set up at Pret’s that was on the
opposite side of the street. “No, mate, you’ve got it
wrong,” I told him politely but firmly. “That’s also an
illegal pitch at Pret’s,” I informed him and I then told
him that as a trainee vendor he was supposed to be
further down past the Covent Garden tube station.
He lingered on until two of my regular customers
confronted him with one saying that I'd been there
for years and he was unwelcomed to pitch his pitch
where I was just yards away from my own long-
standing pitch at Nero’s. I was going to go back to
Sam Woodlock to complain to her, but I realised
Sam wasn't in a good mood toward me for some
reason and so I didn't want us to have bad words
between us by complaining about the brand spank-
ing new vendor that was No. 5000. But after my
buddy John Annetts also spoke with the new bugger
No. 5000, he soon headed off else where to perhaps
learn by pain and pitfalls what life is like with
the other Big Issue folkz.
.@.
Perhaps he found greener pastures selling outside of
dead Dame Anita Roddick's famous invention called
"The Body Shop." Who knows or who cares? I sure
don't! I cannot stand these new son-of-a-bitches that
always popup near Christmastide to show their pretty
asses thinking they're entitled to something when they
are not ... A way and stray dog or cat is far more entitled
than them, so I think! Now if she's a pretty vendor,
okay! I don't mind her ... she can come at anytime!
.@.
Then came Billie. But now she was gone or still
bugging someone with her usual "fuck" you ...
.@.
Excuse the language please, Uncle Monty.
+John of Damascus, 2oo9.
.@.
Above Caption Photo:
Billie Herself Dressed as Santa!
.
:: Story Update ::
After yesterday, I went back to the distribution
spot this morning to get more magz and to see
how Sam was. She was all fine and dandy unlike
yesterday!! I also told her about the new vendor
with badge No. 5000. She said to send anybody like
that to her, if they have a green (trainee) badge and
are in the wrong place or at some mispitch. That's
okay with me and glad Sam and I are in good
shapes like we should be. And like yesterday, I
sold out all my magazine stock again at my old
and own pitch at London's Covent Garden. Now
looking forward to the upcoming George Micheal
and Paul McCarthy issues set for sale during the
Christmas period for vendors to sell and hope-
fully make some decent money for a change. Oh,
I also didn't see sight or sound of Billie again
come this Saturday and Adventide morning ...
Kudos, Uncle Monty. Dec. 5th, 2oo9. pm.
.@.
:: P-O-S-T-S-C-R-I-P-T ::
Billy's Own Confessional Story.
By Uncle Monty.
Billy - whose name I purposely Americanised as "Billie" in
my own above story about her of 3 or 4 days ago - now
appears in the latest George Micheal edition of The Big
Issue (No. 876) that was released this Monday morning,
Dec. 7th, 2oo9, in the UK. Under the storyline of "Big
Changes," Billy proudly declares her own count of 96
criminal convictions to her British name!! Her story seems
to revel in sordid bravado and unashamed glorification of
her past life that resulted in her getting thrown out of her
home by her own mother at age 14, then stealing at every
turn to feed her drug addiction of crack and herion, and to
ultimately become an institutionalised homeless person
for years, there after, in London. Billy started to sell The
Big Issue 10 years ago and now attributes her "social
redemption," if you will, to the glory of the one and only
street publication that is TBI. Woooooow! On the next
page, Billy is then shown again with a donation plea from
The Big Issue Foundation - with its full page spread - to
get the public to make donations to it to help support
vendors like reformed Billy. Oh, boy!!
.
Aside from the two-year old regurgitated and identical
Xmas front cover of George Michael that's used and re-
printed again by The Big Issue for its present 2009
Christmas Bumper Issue, the story of Billy raises questions
of what is the real aim thesedays behind TBI? Is it to help
ex-prisoners and jailbirds first or to help those who are
purely homeless and not merely criminals? The fact that
a third of all Big Issue vendors are said to come from a
criminal background - or 1,000 out of say 3,000 vendors
- makes for depressing reading and public stigma, I think.
Also, does criminal and anti-social behaviour lead directly
to homelessness or does homelessness lead to criminal
and anti-social behaviour? In other words, which of
them comes first? You take a good guess, okay?
.
On reading Billie's or Billy's own confessional story, I was
amazed at the remarkable similarities between her's and
John Bird's own story of his past criminality, his past
Borstal incarceration, his past illicit drug use, and his
own later redemption to become a modern-day and
classic "Champagne Socialist" or a larger-than-life
capitalist that he actively portrays of himself today.
And like AJB has already done, Billy now plans to
write her own life story with the help of some ghost
writer. The exception to him is that I doubt Billy-The-
Vendor will ever become a swaggering money-grabber
like is Old Birdie. So, so much for Billie's or Billy's
confessional story of her's for now ... Excuse me,
but I might also just want to puke the next time!!
.@.
Coming in the New Year, 2010:
Dead Bird Walking. By Graham Walker.
Edited By Uncle Monty.
Photos & Graphics By Alex Albion.
Next: World Homeless Events for 2010.Compiled By Uncle Monty.
...
Breaking New Labour's Stranglehold
on Broken Britain. By Alex Albion.
Also coming in the New Year, 2010.
.
(Click on any image to Enlarge)
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